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16 Coaches Marooned in an Empty
Football Stadium
16 coaches were marooned in empty
Legion Field in Birmingham Alabama for the first ever 'Survivor'
college football coaches edition. Tommy Tubberville, LaVell Edwards,
Jim Donnan, Hal Mumme, Woody Woodenhoeffer, Steve Spurrier, Bobby
Bowden, Lou Holtz, Mike Dubose, Jackie Sherrill, Phillip Fulmer,
John Cooper, David Cutcliff, Mack Brown, Lloyd Carr and Rick
Neuheisel are competing on two 'teams' for the right to be the
last coach left and claim the prize of 1 full paid recruiting
class (including cars and agent fees).
The two teams, known as Pigskineai and Gridirogong
will compete to see which team gets immunity and which team has
to vote one of their own 'off the field'. The first few days
have been difficult as some of the coaches have had to adapt; "I
knew it was supposed to be tough but they wouldn't let me take
along my towel as a 'luxury item'" pouted Hal Mumme.
Meanwhile, trouble was brewing as Bobby Bowden
instructed the other coaches on his team where to place the 'bench'.
Woody Woodenhoeffer looked very disturbed that Bowden wanted
to place the bench in the middle of a mud puddle "I don't think
he can see so good with those yellow glasses," Woodenhoeffer
whispered to the camera. Woody's observation seemed to be proven
true moments later as a loud splash was heard followed by several
'Dadgums' and various swear words. The first 'challenge' had
soon begun as both teams competed for immunity.
The challenge, as explained by the host Keith Jackson,
was to chase a mascot around the field with a torch. The first
team to catch the mascot on fire would win immunity. The mascot,
the giant headed Nebraska Husker 'hick' thingie was not much
of a challenge to the eager coaches and soon team Gridirogong
had the mascot in flames. The first 'coaches roundtable' convened
on the 50 yard line for team Pigskineai, as host Keith Jackson
instructed the coaches to vote.
After the voting had finished, Lavell Edwards was
voted 'off the field' and asked to take his Book of Mormon and
leave. It appears after the first coaches roundtable that Edwards
was targeted for his 'physical limitations' in the challenges,
though a befuddled Bobby Bowden was heard asking why they had
voted 'popeye' out of the competition.
Episode
#2
Gridirogong Bench Warmer is Voted Off the Field
At
a raucous coaches corner, Gridirogong bumbler Bobby Bowden was
voted off Legion Field. As the game began, Bobby Bowden was a
prime candidate for Survivor's recruit class grand prize.
The coach brought a savvy mix of business smarts
(He made sure all his players were paid on time and that the
proper discounts were given at Dillards), development skills
(two words: Sebastian Janakowiski) and survival tendencies (The
man could Daggum his way out of anything).
But Survivor is not a game best played by drawing
attention to oneself. And Bowden's bumbling personality quickly
marked him for expulsion, especially when the rest of his team
caught him washing his underwear in the Gatoraid cooler. "You
know, that was plain disgusting." stated Rick Neuheisel, "I mean,
the man has been on me all week about working harder and recruiting
better players, and I keep telling him that we just don't have
that many criminals in Washington State. And then he goes and
does something like this...it was definetely time for him to
go."
Meanwhile over on the Pigskineai sideline the coaches
were getting hungrier and hungrier. Phillip Fulmer and Lloyd
Carr's attempts at catching one of the many rats that roam the
stadium were largely futile. Also, a feud seemed to be growing
as Steve Spurrier had not been hiding his dislike of Jackie Sherrill
who keeps saying if they could just 'castrate' something then
it might motivate the team to win. Sherrill, ironically was able
to redeem himself during the immunity challenge which pit the
two teams in a contest of eating 'Alabama Cockroach larva'.
The tie breaker came down to Sherrill and Rick
Neuheisel And though Neuheisel performed amazingly, overcoming
his squeamishness to munch down two robust Bama's in mere seconds,
he was no match for the amazing Sherrill.
Everyone
looked disgusted and Phillip Fulmer appeared to be speaking
for all on his team (except Sherrill who kept
talking about how much better Bama roaches were compared to the
Starkville variety) when he asked if there was a concession stand
open in the stadium. Pigskineai won the challenge and Bobby Bowden
took his spear went home.
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