EPISODE #1
By Adam Abbott

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16 Coaches Marooned in an Empty Football Stadium

16 coaches were marooned in empty Legion Field in Birmingham Alabama for the first ever 'Survivor' college football coaches edition. Tommy Tubberville, LaVell Edwards, Jim Donnan, Hal Mumme, Woody Woodenhoeffer, Steve Spurrier, Bobby Bowden, Lou Holtz, Mike Dubose, Jackie Sherrill, Phillip Fulmer, John Cooper, David Cutcliff, Mack Brown, Lloyd Carr and Rick Neuheisel are competing on two 'teams' for the right to be the last coach left and claim the prize of 1 full paid recruiting class (including cars and agent fees).

The two teams, known as Pigskineai and Gridirogong will compete to see which team gets immunity and which team has to vote one of their own 'off the field'. The first few days have been difficult as some of the coaches have had to adapt; "I knew it was supposed to be tough but they wouldn't let me take along my towel as a 'luxury item'" pouted Hal Mumme.

Meanwhile, trouble was brewing as Bobby Bowden instructed the other coaches on his team where to place the 'bench'. Woody Woodenhoeffer looked very disturbed that Bowden wanted to place the bench in the middle of a mud puddle "I don't think he can see so good with those yellow glasses," Woodenhoeffer whispered to the camera. Woody's observation seemed to be proven true moments later as a loud splash was heard followed by several 'Dadgums' and various swear words. The first 'challenge' had soon begun as both teams competed for immunity.

The challenge, as explained by the host Keith Jackson, was to chase a mascot around the field with a torch. The first team to catch the mascot on fire would win immunity. The mascot, the giant headed Nebraska Husker 'hick' thingie was not much of a challenge to the eager coaches and soon team Gridirogong had the mascot in flames. The first 'coaches roundtable' convened on the 50 yard line for team Pigskineai, as host Keith Jackson instructed the coaches to vote.

After the voting had finished, Lavell Edwards was voted 'off the field' and asked to take his Book of Mormon and leave. It appears after the first coaches roundtable that Edwards was targeted for his 'physical limitations' in the challenges, though a befuddled Bobby Bowden was heard asking why they had voted 'popeye' out of the competition.

At a raucous coaches corner, Gridirogong bumbler Bobby Bowden was voted off Legion Field. As the game began, Bobby Bowden was a prime candidate for Survivor's recruit class grand prize.

The coach brought a savvy mix of business smarts (He made sure all his players were paid on time and that the proper discounts were given at Dillards), development skills (two words: Sebastian Janakowiski) and survival tendencies (The man could Daggum his way out of anything).

But Survivor is not a game best played by drawing attention to oneself. And Bowden's bumbling personality quickly marked him for expulsion, especially when the rest of his team caught him washing his underwear in the Gatoraid cooler. "You know, that was plain disgusting." stated Rick Neuheisel, "I mean, the man has been on me all week about working harder and recruiting better players, and I keep telling him that we just don't have that many criminals in Washington State. And then he goes and does something like this...it was definetely time for him to go."

Meanwhile over on the Pigskineai sideline the coaches were getting hungrier and hungrier. Phillip Fulmer and Lloyd Carr's attempts at catching one of the many rats that roam the stadium were largely futile. Also, a feud seemed to be growing as Steve Spurrier had not been hiding his dislike of Jackie Sherrill who keeps saying if they could just 'castrate' something then it might motivate the team to win. Sherrill, ironically was able to redeem himself during the immunity challenge which pit the two teams in a contest of eating 'Alabama Cockroach larva'.

The tie breaker came down to Sherrill and Rick Neuheisel And though Neuheisel performed amazingly, overcoming his squeamishness to munch down two robust Bama's in mere seconds, he was no match for the amazing Sherrill.

Everyone looked disgusted and Phillip Fulmer appeared to be speaking for all on his team (except Sherrill who kept talking about how much better Bama roaches were compared to the Starkville variety) when he asked if there was a concession stand open in the stadium. Pigskineai won the challenge and Bobby Bowden took his spear went home.

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